I don’t “see” why Paterson wants to tax soda
 The devil incarnate |
For some reason I don’t think my pun regarding Governor Paterson* being legally blind will take off quite as well as the awesome ones that the New York Post provides.
Paterson is the object of my ire this week because he is threatening to tax soda. When I heard this news, I almost cried. I envisioned a future not unlike The Grapes of Wrath, in which I crawl across the dust bowl of New York searching in vain for a golden drop of the delicious nectar of the gods that is Diet Pepsi Cola. I think you can even read Steinbeck’s work today as an allegory of the dystopia New Yorkers like myself are facing.
When I lived in Paris for a few months last year, I didn’t drink soda for the entire time because they only sold Coca-Cola Light or DPC’s eurotrash sister Pepsi Zero. I made the mistake of drinking these impersonators once or twice, but I was soon too disgusted to even consider coughing up the banc necessary to meet their inflated prices. Lucky for me, it wasn’t that hard to switch to supermarket champagne at less than a euro a bottle.
 Ryan O’Neal, Son of God |
But this is America, jack! We don’t have champagne floating down Fifth Avenue like homeless drifting along the banks of the Seine.
Panic started to set in before I heard news that came to me like methamphetamine to Ryan O’Neal: The tax would not apply to diet sodas. Glory be to God in the heavens!
I have my doubts that I am entirely in the clear though. For one, I think this tax would apply only to bulk quantities, like the acre-sized units that occupy my home. This better be true because I can’t imagine restaurants charging $2 for diet soda and $2.25 for regular.
My second concern is the future of New York parties. If hosts can no longer provide regular soda and diet soda alternatives for a reasonable price, they may scrap serving soda altogether in favor of something truly odious like juice.
 Heaven on Earth |
I tell you, after a certain age, unless there is some vodka in that glass, no respectable person would touch a glass of juice.
My final concern is a practical one for me. Diet soda is apparently extremely cancerous. I know this. The second set of eyes growing on my neck knows this. I have a feeling that the pro-regular-soda lobby knows this too, and they will wield this information to their advantage. “Why can’t we have our obesity if SideshowBarb can have her cancer,” they will cry.
And that will be the death of the tax exemption applied to diet soda.
Soda Tax, I’ll see you in hell.
*Editor’s note: In the original publication of this post I misspelled the last name of our esteemed governor. Though something tells me he didn’t “see” that, I corrected the error.
Post Your Own Correction!
From Fleishr: Paterson called after “reading” this post to express his dismay over the misspelling of his name. SideshowBarb regrets the error.
